Lucy Jordan had a point…

Have been mentally bashing myself up recently. Went for a job interview – my line manager’s job and something that I can do, also a lot of which I have been doing over recent months. Completely succumbed to nerves in the interview and forgot a lot of the examples that would have clearly demonstrated my competence. I’d spent ages preparing them after work for the last 2 weeks and had been working really hard at work too as there’s a lot to get through. Exhausted myself and all for nothing, and felt utterly humiliated at work the next day as everyone was very kind to me.

So my question is, where, when and why did this happen? I remember being shy at school but I also remember a lot of early school memories where I volunteered for things, spoke up, entertained and performed on stage. Is it something that just happens with adolescence and do I ever get this back? And more importantly, if I came from a family that encouraged achievement and went to a school that encouraged achievement how is it that I can’t seem to achieve much? Surely this is not still the same old feminist mutterings about not being able to have it all, but not being happy with small scale job and domesticity?

Am mainly bashing myself up because I think I’m just being too self absorbed and whiny. So what, Barsby? It’s the embarrassment we dwell on, isn’t it? Because it was internal with people I knew. If it was external I wouldn’t give a toss, as I haven’t done any number of times in the past.

Fuck it.

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